Alright so, it’s been a while since I wrote. And I’m not here with good news.
I’m back to my old habits. No workout. No yoga. No BuJo. Nothing. Just… null.
I’m angry while I’m writing this. Actually, I’m furious. At myself.
I Became Everything I Said I Wouldn’t
My hands and legs are lean, my tummy and chest are huge. My body looks like shit. And the certifications? Still don’t have them.
I cracked the interview. They said I did well. But now they need the certs. The actual tech certs. Because apparently talent and experience don’t matter. Motherfuckers. No importance for actual skill, just paperwork.
And I couldn’t even get myself to study for one. Just one cert. Can’t focus. Can’t push through.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I stick to anything? I took it gradually, right? I did everything the “right way.” So why am I here again?
Doomscrolling all day. Not reading. Not moving. Just existing as a lazy lump on the couch. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be.
The Anger That Comes With Falling
I hate myself today. I really do.
I hate that I let the yoga sessions stop. I hate that the BuJo that was clearing my mind is now sitting somewhere collecting dust. I hate that I can see the person I want to become but can’t seem to stay on the path long enough to get there.
And the worst part? I know better. I’ve done better. I’ve felt what it’s like to show up at 6 AM and win the day before it even starts. I’ve felt the clarity of following through. And somehow, I still ended up here.
I’m still in my PO role. Maybe I’ll just focus on getting into leadership from here. Klaus is on leave till May anyway, so I can breathe a little. Maybe that’s okay for now.
But it doesn’t feel okay. It feels like settling.
But Here’s What I Know
I’m restarting. Again.
Tomorrow, I’m giving this another shot. And if I fall again? I’ll restart again. And again. And however many times it takes until these habits actually stick.
I need to become better. A better man. A smarter man. Responsible. Disciplined. The kind of person who doesn’t just talk about change but becomes it.
I’m not giving up on that version of me. Even when I hate where I am right now, I’m not giving up.
Tomorrow I try again.